


Ground Rules

by HelenaHandbasket



Series: Different Rhythm Series [2]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-17
Updated: 2006-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-09 12:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/87217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelenaHandbasket/pseuds/HelenaHandbasket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Gojyo catches on fire, Hakkai wins a battle of Buddhist wisdom, Sanzo ruins a perfectly good punchline, and Goku wants to hear nothing whatsoever about fluids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ground Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Follow up to A Different Rhythm
> 
> This fic is intended as humor, with occasional forays into abject silliness, but nothing more ludicrous than anything in the anime. At one point, Hakkai and Gojyo are quoting Buddhist sayings to each other, which seems a little OOC for Gojyo, but I'm working on the (totally unfounded) assumption that certain sayings made their way into the cultural vernacular and would therefore be generally known. Also? The ending is kind of gross. I'm just warning you.

Ground Rules  
by Helena Handbasket

 

Gojyo awoke to the satisfying sensation of warmth pressed against the entire length of his body. This full warmth was unusual for him – most of the women he slept with were upwards of a foot shorter than him, leaving his shins cold and bare as he cradled them in his arms. But now he felt the tangle of another pair of feet against his, even as he nuzzled and kissed the mop of soft hair in front of his face.

He kept his eyes closed, prolonging the rare delight of a casual awakening. Running his hand along the long sinewy leg, he passed over the hip, leaner than most, but tantalizing with its sharp contours, until his hand rested against the chest, well-muscled and unquestionably masculine.

For a second, he was about to freak out, but his waking consciousness sorted out the events of the previous night, together with a growing cognizance of soreness in very unusual places. Ah yes, he thought, pulling the sleeping body closer against his. This is Hakkai. How had everything suddenly come to be so great?

Still heavy with sleep, Gojyo pried his eyes open with some effort, and propped himself up on one elbow, drinking in the sight of Hakkai nude and vulnerable beneath the thin covering of coarse cotton sheets. Right now, he looked like a different person, unfettered by the myriad accoutrements that usually hid him from the world. No high-collared tunic, no sash, no headband, no pants, no boots, no monocle, no dragon. Not even his typical placid mask: a dreamy smile curved across his face as he slept, as if his tempestuous life had finally ceded a moment of peace.

Bending his head forward, Gojyo kissed Hakkai's upper arm, his shoulder, the nape of his neck, and the sensitive spot behind his ear that had driven him wild the night before. Hakkai twitched. So did Gojyo, but in an entirely different way than his sleeping partner. He flicked at the lobe of Hakkai's ear with his tongue, drawing it towards his teeth and biting down gently in a few staccato nibbles. This act produced a groan of soft pleasure, but no consciousness. Since when did Hakkai sleep so late?

Stroking his hand along the skin of Hakkai's chest, the smooth surface marred here and there with the ghosts of old scars, Gojyo pressed himself more firmly against his back, his rising erection pushing into soft flesh, finding sanctuary in the slim space between buttocks until they cradled him in an erotic embrace. He was ill-placed for penetration, but that wasn't what he was looking for. Right now he just wanted to feel himself encapsulated in Hakkai's warmth. Holy shit, but it was nice to sleep with someone almost as tall as he was. They fit. Fit very nicely, indeed. He ran his tongue along the edge of Hakkai's left ear, catching a mild electrical shock at each of the three limiters, as if the demonic energy they contained was ready to overflow. He was exquisitely content, but there was still no response from Hakkai, and Gojyo decided it was time to get aggressive.

Reluctantly withdrawing from the warmth, he scooted over to make room and pressed against Hakkai's chest, shifting him from his side to his back. Gojyo smiled at the sight, then slid his hand downward in a serpentine trajectory and ventured beneath the sheets. Grinning ecstatically at the knowledge that he was allowed to do this – he was finally allowed to do this – he bent forward to claim a kiss, his hair tickling against exposed skin. As their lips met, Gojyo idly wondered if they would have time for a quickie before that fucking monk roused them out for breakfast.

Hakkai's eyes fluttered open, unfocused and bleary from sleep, then froze, staring at Gojyo in abject astonishment before roughly pushing him away.

"What are you doing?"

Not exactly delighted by this less-than-encouraging response, Gojyo tried to maintain his cool. "Waking you up. What does it look like?"

Hakkai squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head violently, as if trying to forcibly awaken himself from a nightmare. When he opened his eyes again and nothing had changed, he blinked down at his bare form, peeked under the sheets, and, after swatting aside Gojyo's groping hand, hastily pulled them back into place. His eyes shifted to the other side of the room, noting that the second bed remained immaculately made, unslept in. He glanced toward Gojyo, not quite meeting his gaze.

"From the evidence, it looks like we…" His worlds trailed off and he shook his head again, as if what he was about to voice could simply not be possible.

Gojyo was beginning to feel just the slightest, tiniest bit rejected, and he shook Hakkai roughly by the shoulders because he thought it might make him feel better. It didn't. His You-Fucked-Up alarm was blaring loudly inside his head.

Hakkai was staring into the distance, babbling incoherently. "But that's impossible! How could we have… How could I have…"

"We did!" Gojyo growled, shaking him again, and trying to use his impatience with Hakkai's slow-wittedness to mask his rising panic. "More to the point you did."  
Hakkai finally met his gaze head-on, and it wasn't an improvement. His expression was wary, confused, perhaps even angry. "I did what, exactly?"   
"You fucked me. Popped my cherry. Drilled for white gold. Rang my bell… ring a bell?"

For a moment, Hakkai's eyes were wavering and confused, then enlightenment dawned. His emotions flashed across his face in a sequence of disbelief, embarrassment, horror, and remorse as the memories flooded back. Blinking in appalled silence, he pulled the sheet around his chest, sat up, and buried his face in his hands.

Gojyo was truly alarmed now, not just for himself and the unanticipated devastation of his happiness, but for Hakkai's mental well-being. "Aw, shit, man, it's okay."

Hakkai's shoulders began to shake.

"Look, if you regret it, we can go back to normal. No harm, no foul. Sure, it'll suck, but I'll get over it. C'mon, don't be upset. We're still cool. We can get through this." Gojyo wasn't altogether certain of this, but felt it was best to console first, jack off in the bathroom later, and cry into his sake at the first opportunity.

The pitiful noises issuing from Hakkai's form cracked abruptly, shifting from sobbing to laughter as if a switch had been thrown somewhere in his psyche.

Gojyo continued patting Hakkai's back in confusion until he looked up, his eyes dry of tears and bright with mirth. "You bought it," he chuckled.

"You fucking asshole!" Gojyo couldn't believe he had fallen for such a dirty trick. Hakkai rarely slept late, was never slow to grasp the facts of a situation, and was certainly not prone to blubbering like a baby. He pounced on top of Hakkai, straddling him and holding him down by his shoulders as he continued to laugh. "You scared the shit out of me!"

Through his laughter, Hakkai managed to sputter out, "It's no more than you deserve after sleeping with all those women to get my attention."

Feeling defensive, Gojyo folded his arms. "It worked, didn't it?"

"No, actually, talking to me about it worked. If you had just done that from the beginning…"

"Hmph. You're one to talk, Mr. Super-Repression-Robot."

"Okay, okay. We're both idiots. How's that?"

"At least we're in good company," Gojyo laughed, relief washing away his affront. "And at least we'll be satisfied idiots." He let his body relax over Hakkai's, relishing the sensation of those familiar lines and contours pressed beneath him. "Now what say you and I…"

Bang! Bang! Bang! A pounding on the door interrupted what might have been an intensely pleasant interlude.

"Wake up, dickwads! The bridge is clear, we're on the road in five, and if you're not there, we're leaving without you." Sanzo could be a big, fucking, holy pain-in-the-ass sometimes. Actually, most of the time.

Hakkai sighed and closed his eyes briefly with an air of forced patience. "Perhaps we should delay this for another time?"

"Yeah," said Gojyo longingly. "I guess."

With an apologetic smile, Hakkai slid out from under him and padded to the foot of the bed to get dressed and stow his sparse belongings. Gojyo crossed the room and did the same, not that there was much to pack. A clean t-shirt. Some socks. A spare pair of underwear for the rare occasions he wore them.

Just as they were finishing up, Hakkai broached a subject awkwardly. "Just so you know, I'm going to make an effort to act like nothing is different. I think we both should. We may have slept together… we may be sleeping together…" The air of hopefulness that pervaded this last statement was painfully endearing. "But we shouldn't act on our impulses – not in front of the others."

"You don't want them to know?"

"Oh, they know." Eyes flitting to the paper-thin walls of their crapulous room. "Trust me. They know. At least, I'm sure Sanzo has figured it out. But if he thinks this is going to disrupt our group dynamics, he's going to throw a…"

"Shitfit?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Okay," Gojyo agreed. Disappointed as he was, he could see the logic in Hakkai's reasoning, and Hakkai's reasoning was one of the few things in this world in which he placed implicit trust. "In other words, no PDA."

"Right."

"Right." A dejected sigh. The sympathetic look in Hakkai's expression almost killed Gojyo with longing. He crossed the room and wrapped his long arms around him, murmuring quietly, "Something to tide me over." Barely needing to bend his head, he traced his tongue languorously across Hakkai's lips and then kissed him, his heart leaping with affection as he felt those lips smile.

Before the kiss could deepen to the point where all sense of time was lost, the door once again erupted with impatient pounding.

"Jeep. Now."

"Be right there, Sanzo!" Hakkai called, his arms still wrapped tight around Gojyo's ribcage. As the footsteps faded in to the corridor, Hakkai kissed Gojyo's lips, his chin, his neck, each brief contact releasing corpuscles of endorphins and deepening his desire.

He began to pull away, but Gojyo complained, "That's not fair."

"It's no easier on me, you know."

Gojyo wasn't so sure about that, but he decided to let it go. Before Hakkai could escape, he tightened his arms and pulled him roughly forward, pressing their groins together. When he spoke, his words were tentative but hopeful. "Hey, do you think, maybe at the next inn I could…" He squeezed Hakkai's ass for emphasis.

Hakkai's smile blossomed. "I fully expect it. In fact, I'm looking forward to it."

Gojyo released him and smiled, thinking maybe- just maybe – he could endure a day's worth of bumpy roads with a sore ass and an incurable hard-on just for the reward that would come at the end.

 

* * *

 

They arrived at the jeep thirty seconds late, and Sanzo haughtily informed them of such.

"Very well," said Hakkai to defray his ire, "I'll drive Hakuryuu one kilometer faster per hour for the first hour of our journey, and we'll make up the time."

Sanzo grunted and got into the passenger seat, forcing Goku and Gojyo to squeeze past him. Goku was more subdued than usual, not bitching once about their lack of breakfast, but Gojyo certainly wasn't going to complain. The more peaceful the ride, the more time he would have to think about all the wonderful, wicked things he was going to do to Hakkai. His lips began to curve into a wide, Cheshire smile, but he checked himself, remembering Hakkai's insistence that they act like nothing was different. Then he noticed that no one was looking, and he indulged himself, just for a moment.

They soon arrived at the bridge, whose flooded state had left them stranded in the village for two weeks. The river was still high, its roaring waters rushing by mere centimeters beneath the bridge, occasionally sloshing up and onto its slick surface. Sanzo must have inquired first thing, and, discovering that the bridge was clear – just barely – decided to kick all their asses into gear. They would certainly be the first passengers to cross it since the flood, and Gojyo found himself praying that those idiot villagers had had the good sense to waterproof it in the dry season.

Whether or not they had, the Sanzo party crossed the bridge in safety. It creaked and groaned under the weight, but did not otherwise protest, and soon they were winding their way up into the mountains on twisting trails and along narrow ridges. These were relatively low mountains, not towering and snow-capped like some of the other ranges they had traversed, but it was bound to be rough going, and in the absence of a high-altitude hamlet, the likelihood of finding accommodations that evening was grim.

But that was okay. The prospect of fucking Hakkai under the open sky, with the chill breeze forcing them to cling together for warmth was just as appealing, if not more so, than sullying the cheap-ass sheets in some shitty little room. He imagined the contrasting sensations of cool air against sweat-slicked skin and the indescribable heat of Hakkai's mouth. It was a talented, well-practiced mouth, especially for a guy who hadn't gotten laid in more than three years. As he thought of that tongue, sometimes strong and determined, sometimes startling in the precision and complexity of its movement, Gojyo found, again, that he was smiling.

When he came to his senses, he found that Goku was staring at him as if he'd sprouted a third antenna. He rearranged his features to present his usual smarmy smirk, realizing in retrospect that the nature of his previous, stupid, lust-filled smile must have been all too obvious. Well, it didn't matter. The monkey was probably clueless.

Goku narrowed his eyes and looked away, over the threshold of the narrow ledge to the stretch of rolling landscape below, falling into a verdant valley then up again into golden, craggy mountains dotted with trees. It was one of the better vistas they had run across, its colors made especially vivid by the high sun overhead, which glittered off the waters of a narrow river snaking through the valley, peeking out now and then from beneath the cover of the trees.

In the front seat, Hakkai was keeping up his usual cheerful conversation, interspersed with Sanzo's terse, churlish replies. The more he thought about it, the more Gojyo felt Hakkai's plan was a sensible one. If they altered their behavior in any way, it would just give the monk an excuse to tear them a new one. As much as Sanzo hated talking about shit, that hatred was outweighed by his perverse love of fucking with people. The last thing that Gojyo wanted was to have to talk to Sanzo about his sex life, and he seriously doubted it was a topic the monk would voluntarily broach. As long as everything remained the same he would have no excuse, and everyone would be happy.

At that moment, Hakuryuu hit a particularly nasty bump in the road, and Gojyo was jolted in his seat. "Ow! My ass! Watch it, Hakkai."

Goku swallowed a snort, and Sanzo uttered a dismissive, "Tch," but Hakkai just waved over his shoulder and offered his usual, cheerful, "Sorry!"

Gojyo folded his arms and sulked. He hadn't said anything weird, nothing he hadn't already said a thousand times before, but the suppressed amusement in Goku's big, stupid face was pissing him off. And besides that, his ass hurt. Really hurt. He wondered if he'd bruised his tailbone.  
In the late afternoon, when the sun was dipping below the westward mountains, Gojyo noticed that Goku kept staring from him to Hakkai and back again. So the monkey did know. Great. That's just what he needed. Gojyo fixed him with his most menacing glare. "What's your problem?"

"Nothing," Goku murmured, looking awkwardly away. Then under his breath he added, "You could do better."

Face flushing with affront, Gojyo snarled, "Hey, you stupid monkey! Don't insult Hakkai like that!"

"I meant Hakkai," Goku retorted. "I meant he could do better than you. And stop calling me a monkey!"

Gojyo secretly wanted Hakkai to step in, but he sat placidly driving, showing no sign of overhearing this grave insult to his – what was he now? Boyfriend? Husband? Sex toy? Anyway, Hakkai showed no sign of overhearing the grave insult to Gojyo's honor. He shifted in his seat. At the earliest opportunity, he was going to fuck Hakkai but good.

 

* * *

 

When darkness descended, they were still trundling up the mountain with no sign of a village in sight. So, as they so often were, the Sanzo party was obliged to camp out, stopping in a serviceable clearing just off the trail. It was a night like dozens before it: Goku off scouting the surrounding woods, Hakkai unpacking and arranging their supplies while Gojyo "helped" by flapping his gums and getting in the way. It was normal. Too normal. And it was making Sanzo fucking paranoid.

From his station on the jeep's rear bumper, he scrutinized Hakkai and Gojyo, watching them closely for any change in behavior, but they were just as they ever were. Even their banter was the same – the same stupid inside jokes, the same "Oh, aren't we so comfortable in our manhood?" innuendo, the same ribald jibes and polite retorts. But now there was something earnest behind their little exchanges. The same words, with no alteration in inflection, had taken on a new meaning.

He knew what those assholes were up to, not that he gave a shit, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let their sexcapades fuck up his quest.

Hakkai, ever the nagging wife, dispatched Gojyo to go fetch some firewood, and he slouched away into the trees.

"You are so fucking whipped," Sanzo muttered at his retreating form.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Hakkai blinked at him mildly.

"I wasn't talking to you." He took a long pull on his cigarette, which he had to admit was more satisfying in the open breeze than in the stagnant air of an inn, and watched in silence as Hakkai returned to his domestic tasks.

A short time later, Goku came scurrying back into the campground, arms laden with dripping canteens. His face was beaming with childish triumph. "Look, Hakkai!" he exclaimed. "I found a spring nearby and filled these up!"

Hakkai smiled down at him in that compassionate, encouraging way of his. Ever the teacher. The teacher that was secretly nailing the village slut.   
But there was no sign of depravity in his gentle tones. "That's wonderful, Goku, thank you. Once Gojyo gets back with the firewood, I'll boil up some ramen."

Goku's eyes widened with pathetic delight. "Sweet! Ramenramenramenramenramen…" Here, he launched into a capering dance that made Sanzo want to hurl.

Thwack!

Sanzo's fan landed with unusual force, and Goku slumped to the ground, his outward pouting belied by the trickle of drool that betokened his anticipation of dinner.

Gojyo returned not long afterwards, arms piled high with a collection of dry branches, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He tried to say something, but the motion of his lips made the cigarette bob, releasing a scintilla of glowing red. The ember fluttered down to land on a dessicated leaf clinging to one of the smaller twigs, igniting it so that it flared up with shocking rapidity. Startled by the flames, Gojyo, that pussy, emitted a shriek of alarm and flung his payload away. Soon enough, though, he regained his senses and stomped the small fire out with his boot.

Back in control and evidently eager to downplay his folly, Gojyo shrugged and said, "Ah well, no harm done." He took a drag of his cigarette, which had miraculously survived the hubbub intact, then suddenly crinkled his nose. "Hey… what's that smell?"

Hakkai bit his lip and pointed. "Ah, Gojyo? Your hair?"

"Eh?" He whirled his head to the side, his peripheral vision catching a glimmer of orange sparks in his crimson hair. "Shit!" He clapped wildly at his burning locks, but the early night breeze and the motion of his head allowed his target to evade him. The fact that one of his questing hands still gripped the cigarette was only making matters worse.

With his usual preternatural swiftness, Goku snatched up the pot of water that Hakkai had prepared and rushed over to Gojyo, dousing his entire head. Emergency thwarted, the half-demon stood sopping wet and shoulders slumped, still gripping the remains of the drenched cigarette.

Goku beamed at him, his eyes sparkling with amusement, and turned around to face the jeep. "Hey Sanzo – Gojyo's a flamer, ha ha!"

Sanzo's contemptuous snort, the closest thing to an appreciative laugh Goku could have expected, was drowned out by the litany of Gojyo's wrath. "I am going to fucking kill you, you shit-flinging monkey!"

With a falsetto "Oop!" that simultaneously conveyed mischief, sport, and a vague suspicion that Gojyo might be serious about killing him this time, Goku flung the pot aside and went hurtling towards the treeline.

Gojyo pounded after him in his heavy boots. "Get your hairy ass back here!"

"Hairy? Ha! I bet you have more hair on your ass than I have on my head. Whaddya say, Hakkai?"

When they were out of sight, Sanzo lit another cigarette, mildly watching Hakkai gather up the abandoned wood, light a fire, and refill the pot from a fresh canteen. Once the water had been set to boil, he strolled over to claim a seat beside Sanzo on the bumper.

"Well," Hakkai said good-naturedly, "it looks like Goku is handling the situation with more maturity than I expected."

 

* * *

 

The moon rose late that night, its thin crescent sharp as a blade, and Sanzo sat cross-legged by the fire, alternating between drags of cigarette and sips of tea. The cold smoke intermingled with the hot steam, creating a mirage of wavering contours that exaggerated the shifting heat of the flames.

Gojyo hadn't killed Goku in the end, probably because he couldn't catch him, but the two had resolved their differences and returned to their baseline cretinous behavior by the time Hakkai was serving out the ramen. The dinner things had been cleared away, the blankets lain out, and the tent pitched with the usual gamut of erection jokes. These came from Gojyo, of course, as they always did, but Goku had laughed a little less easily than usual.  
Ancient as he was, Goku was still just a kid, and he was clearly unsure of how to cope with this new weirdness that had sprung up between Gojyo and Hakkai. But the problem was, there wasn't any weirdness – none at all. Goku was the one behaving differently. His only understanding of love, at least romantic love, came from his insipid, puppy dog crushes on any doe-eyed village girl who fixed him a bento. His "relationships" always ended the same way: they drove off in the jeep, leaving the girl in a cloud of eastward dust, a thing of the past even before she was out of sight. Love only persevered until the last dumpling was consumed. For Goku, love was ephemeral and sweet, but forgettable as an ordinary day.

But with Hakkai and Gojyo, this wasn't going away, at least until one of them fucked it up – probably Gojyo – and Goku couldn't figure out how to act, unable to pick up his cue from the normality, or relative normality, of his companions. Sanzo snorted and took a long draught of tea, feeling it warm his throat against the outside chill. And monkeys were supposed to be good at imitation.  
Still, Goku seemed merely confused rather than displeased by the situation, and hopefully he would come around soon. He'd better. Because Sanzo hadn't signed up to be the fucking relationship counselor for a bunch of moronic headcases.

Speaking of which…

He narrowed his eyes as Hakkai poured a fresh cup of tea and went to kneel beside Gojyo, snipping away at the blackened traces of singed hair with a small pair of scissors. Sanzo contemplated suggesting that he just shave Gojyo's head, but the promised satisfaction of well-placed derision wasn't enough to make him break his silence. Not tonight. Soon, Gojyo's hair was back to normal, all evidence of its earlier misfortune dispelled, save for the fact that the fierce scars on his cheek were slightly more apparent than before. Satisfied with his work, Hakkai settled down with his back against a rock a few paces away from Gojyo and sipped demurely at his tea, cradling the cup with both hands.

The distance between them was the same as always, unpunctuated by furtively exchanged looks or instinctive tilts of their bodies as they unconsciously strove to be closer to one another. The companionable silence, though rare enough, remained unchanged from all their previous nights on the road. Still, it was impossible to enumerate all the things that could go wrong because those two were no longer idiots in denial, but idiots in love. Sanzo watched them, and he watched Goku watching them, and, much though the thought filled him with revulsion, he decided it was time to take action.

He placed his mug carefully on the ground and said, "Goku? Take a hike."  
Goku blinked up at him in surprise, eyes widening. "Huh? Why?"

"Because I said so, shitball. The adults need to have a little talk."

"But I wanna stay!"

Sanzo drew his revolver out of his sleeve and cocked it menacingly. Goku leapt to his feet, but made no move to flee."

"C'mon, Sanzo, please?"

Fixing Goku with a glare of malicious authority, he replied, "You want to stay, do you? You want to sit here and listen to a conversation about anatomy and bodily fluids?"

"Ew! Sanzo!"

"Just how vivid do you want your nightmares to be tonight, monkey?"

Goku clapped his hands over his ears, backing away slowly. "That is so gross."

The retreat was taking far too long for Sanzo's tastes, so he emphasized his point by bellowing, "FLUIDS!" and Goku spun on his heels and went sprinting for the trees.

Clearing his throat, Sanzo calmly returned his revolver to its place of concealment and reclaimed his tea. He bowed his head to light another cigarette, watching Gojyo and Hakkai from under lowered lids as they exchanged a wary glance. Hakkai looked a little bit horrified and a little bit dangerous, as if any attempt to take away his new chew toy would spell out Sanzo's doom. Gojyo just looked contemptuously incredulous.

"As if your cherry ass has anything to teach us about fluids." Gojyo, too, lit a cigarette, holding the lighter a little too carefully away from his hair, but he kept his head high, eyes locking with Sanzo's.

"We're not going to talk about fluids," Sanzo snarled. "I just said that to get rid of the ape."  
Gojyo's brows lifted, slightly impressed. "Really? Nice technique. I might have to use it myself."

"What did you want to talk about, then?" asked Hakkai, direct and to the point, but still subtly threatening. Sanzo sometimes forgot what a scary motherfucker he could be.

"I just want to lay down some ground rules."

"Ground rules? What the fuck for?" Gojyo's eyes shifted suspiciously towards Hakkai. "You didn't invite this asshole into a threesome, did you?"

"No," said Hakkai, staring levelly at Sanzo, "I most certainly did not."

The look of bald relief on Gojyo's face might have been insulting if Sanzo had been willing to spare even a single brain cell in validation of such a vile prospect. "Sorry, pal," Gojyo sneered, "no room for you in this party."

"I'm not propositioning you, idiot! I just want to make a few things perfectly clear."

"And those are?" Hakkai's quiet hostility was receding, but not entirely gone. Fucking psycho.  
Sanzo took a deep drag of his cigarette, smoke flooding his lungs. "First of all, this is my quest, not your fucking honeymoon. If you get in my way, I will kill you."

Gojyo snorted and flipped his hair over his shoulder. "Nothing new there."

"Second, what you cum-guzzlers do on your own time is your own business..."

"Hey! You said you weren't going to talk about fluids!"

Ignoring this interjection, Sanzo repeated, "Your own business, and the less I have to know about it the better. But if either of you ends up weak or out of commission because of this, I will kill you."

Hakkai tilted his head in fake contemplation. "Number one: you will kill us. Number two: you will kill us. I think that's clear enough."

"Tch." Sanzo rolled his eyes. Sarcasm had to be a lot more scathing than that to touch him. "Three. You are hereby directed and commanded to fuck as frequently as possible, as long as possible, and as thoroughly as possible."

Hakkai choked on his tea. Gojyo looked as if he liked the idea, but was none too pleased with its originator. "Where the hell do you get off…"

"I don't," said Sanzo, unperturbed by Gojyo's ire. "That's your job."

"We appreciate the sentiment," Hakkai lied, "but isn't the time and frequency of our intimate relations, as you said, our business?"

Intimate relations. Only Hakkai could make sex sound so fucking proper. He almost felt sorry for Gojyo. Almost.

With a dismissive snort, Sanzo shook his head. "Not as I see it. Horny equals stupid, and I don't want to see you two groping each other in the middle of a fight because it's been three whole hours since your last bang session. Get it over with. Get it out of your system."

"You want us to get tired of each other." The knife edge had returned to Hakkai's voice.

"No, I want you to get out of your honeymoon phase as quickly as possible. I know how these things are in the beginning. It's all, 'Ooh, I can't believe he really loves me! He's so sexy! I wonder if my hair looks okay?'" This last part of the tirade was delivered in a high, mocking voice.

"You do realize that we're not pre-adolescent girls, do you not?"

"I don't care. That sissy, moony-eyed, lovey-dovey shit is revolting. I don't want to see it, hear it, or smell it. The more you fuck now, the faster you'll revert to boring, and boring is as reliable as you two fuckwits can get."

The other two launched into an incoherent jumble of affronted protests, insisting that they had not behaved remotely in the insipid way he had described. But despite the validity of their arguments, Sanzo wasn't listening. He reached into his robes, groping through the inner pockets until he heard the faint rustle of paper. Drawing out a small, discreet parcel, he tossed it to Hakkai.

"What's this?" Frowning, Hakkai reached into the brown paper bag and drew out a bottle, unlabeled save for a pair of hearts and a picture of a cherry. He arched a curious eyebrow at Sanzo before tossing the bottle to Gojyo, who grabbed it easily out of the air.

"What the hell?" Gojyo stared at the bottle, then flipped the top open with a flick of his thumb. He sniffed at it uncertainly, then tilted it to deposit a droplet on his finger, rubbing the slick, slightly viscous substance between forefinger and thumb. He looked from Sanzo to Hakkai in horrified astonishment before saying quietly, "This is lube. He bought us lube."

Before Hakkai could respond, Sanzo growled, "Yeah, well, whichever one of you is getting his ass hammered," here he darted a pointed look at Gojyo, "needs to be able to walk the next day. "If either one of you jeopardizes the mission, I will…"

"We know," said Hakkai, faintly amused. "You'll kill us."

"Right."

Gojyo, looking uncharacteristically embarrassed, growled, "We can get our own fucking lube, you know. What do you take us for? We may be new at this whole man-sex thing, but we're not amateurs. What you know about this shit couldn't fit into a…" His tirade trailed off as his nostrils flared, and he brought his slicked fingers to his nose. Tentatively, he darted his tongue out, tasting his finger with a quick swipe. "Hey, this is that flavored crap." He looked up at Sanzo, his pique giving way to amusement. "Kinky."

"Whatever," growled Sanzo. "Hakkai, send that flying rat of yours to find Goku. I want to get an early start tomorrow, so we'd better turn in." He ducked into the tent, as if to terminate the conversation, but soon reemerged with an armload of blankets, dumping them peremptorily on the ground. "You two are sleeping outside tonight."

"What?" Hakkai exclaimed, looking unhappily at the pile of blankets on the cold ground. "Why?"  
"Because I don't want you two fucking three inches from my nose. And you'd better fuck tonight, or I'll…"  
"Yeah, yeah," said Gojyo wearily, waving off the rest of his statement, "or you'll kill us."

 

* * *

 

The moon was high in the heavens, and the clearing was silent save for the rustle of the breeze through the trees, the keening of Hakuryuu in sleep, and the soft rumbling of Goku's snoring.  
"Well," said Hakkai once they settled onto their pile of blankets, neatly arranged at a discreet distance from the tent. "That was awkward."

Gojyo had no fuel for disagreement, merely sat staring into the dying embers of the fire. It wasn't that he didn't want to have sex; it was the fact that his drive for sex was surpassed by his disinclination to render himself obedient to Sanzo. He took a puff of his cigarette. "For a guy that claims he doesn't want to know anything about what's going on between us, he sure has gone out of his way to get involved.

Hakkai sighed and regarded the small bottle of lubrication, tossing it from hand to hand. "I still can't believe he went out and purchased this."

"I know. What a misguided prick."  
"Can you imagine what the clerk must have been thinking when a High Priest walked up to him with…" his words trailed off, and he merely gestured at the bottle.

"I'd rather not think about it."

Hakkai tilted his head. "I think, in his own way, he's trying to be supportive."

"Yeah, well we don't need his support. We support each other just fine." A pause, and a long drag. "Bet it was funny, though."

"What?"

He grabbed the bottle. "Sanzo buying this. It's like a dirty joke: What did the clerk say to the holy man who wanted to buy some lube?"

Hakkai chuckled. "All it needs is a punchline."

With a thoughtful smile, Gojyo tilted his head back to exhale smoke towards the stars. After a moment, he chuckled mildly. "How about, Let yourself be open and life will be easier."

Eyes lifted upwards, as if he were judging the merits of an expensive wine, Hakkai pondered for a moment. "Not bad, though a bit vague. Perhaps, To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others."

Gojyo shook his head. "Nah, that makes the clerk sound like a puritanical tight-ass… unless it's a reference to jerking off?" When Hakkai declined to elucidate, Gojyo shrugged and tried to wrack his brain for anything appropriate, or rather inappropriate, and devastatingly witty. Sadly, he knew he was unlikely to come out the victor in a battle of wits against Hakkai, especially when the game involved having memorized shit. Suddenly, his eyes lit up, and he grinned wickedly. "You cannot travel the path until you have become the path itself."

Hakkai had chosen the wrong moment to take a drink of water, and spat it over the dusty ground.

"See, the clerk doesn't know that Sanzo's already an asshole."

Mildly scandalized, Hakkai sputtered, "That's so crass, Gojyo!"

"We're making up a joke about a monk buying lube, and you complain that it's too crass? Fine. Let's see if you can do better."

Hakkai bowed his head, contemplating the now-muddy ground and the whisper of breeze through the soft grass. The moon flashed in his monocle, turning it opaque and making him look exquisitely serene. When he finally looked up, his smile was content with a hint of triumph. Gojyo knew already that he had lost. "I've always been partial to, When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky."

Gojyo had lost, but not in the manner he'd expected, and the consolation prize was a rush of overwhelming sentiment that made him feel as if he'd won the greatest victory of his life. He looked affectionately at Hakkai, whose earnest smile contained both an apology for ending their game with romanticism and an avid affirmation that he had meant every word he said.

"That Buddha was a pretty perceptive guy," said Gojyo, reaching out with a crooked finger to stroke his knuckle against the soft skin of Hakkai's cheek.

"There are many who believe so, I understand." He leaned forward and kissed Gojyo with the utmost gentleness, a soft, brief gesture, as one who was savoring the first taste of a long-awaited delicacy. In all his years of fantasizing, Gojyo had been too consumed with lustier considerations to contemplate what Hakkai would really be like, what they would be like. He was astonished to find himself so deeply moved, and more astonished still to discover that he relished it.

He edged closer, bracing his left hand against the ground behind Hakkai's back, barely touching, but able to feel the warmth of his form, to drink it in through every pore. "I know this sounds stupid, but it feels, right now, like everything is perfect."

Hakkai's smile widened as he leaned into Gojyo's shoulder and whispered, "I couldn't agree more."

Enraptured in the moment, by the warmth along his arm, the sulphurous scent of the dwindling fire, and the incalculable clarity of green eyes, Gojyo nearly jumped out of his socks when a bellowing arose from within the tent, rumbling across the clearing like a herd of yaks.

"Light a fire under it, shitheads. I don't hear anyone fucking out there!"

Hakkai froze, lips a hair's breadth away from Gojyo's, fingertips still brushing against his scarred cheek despite his startled spasm at Sanzo's outburst. "Well, maybe not quite perfect."

Glaring hell and death and karmic shitstorm at the unseen figure within the tent, Gojyo snarled, "That guy's become the path itself, all right."

"Leave it," said Hakkai softly, gripping his shoulder with a firm but tender hand, and drawing him down to lie upon the blanket. "Perhaps we should call it a night."

Gojyo was stiff with annoyance and frustration, but as Hakkai settled down beside him, his body seemed to relax of its own will. "I guess so," he murmured, "but we'd better get our own room tomorrow night."

"I'm sure we will," said Hakkai as he shifted onto his side, "and if not then, the next night or the night after that."

"It can't happen soon enough for me." But as Gojyo rolled to mimic Hakkai's posture, as he felt their bodies pressed together, melting and conforming into a unified but separate whole, as he draped a lanky arm over Hakkai's side and felt it pulled tightly against the solid warmth of his chest, his impatience gave way to contentment. He knew that tomorrow he would tilt his head up and laugh at the sky, and hoped to do so for the rest of his life.

Thus locked together, they drifted to sleep beneath the phantom glow of the crescent moon.

 

* * *

 

They took to the road unusually early the following morning, partly because Sanzo was impatient and partly because he was pissed off at having been defied. Mark up another victory for accidental reverse-psychology.

The morning air was chill, the wind coming in gusts and bursts as they wound their way along the high mountain pass, sometimes shielded by the landscape, sometimes dreadfully exposed. Goku and Gojyo were engaged in their typical back-seat bickering, Goku having apparently put together that whatever was going on between Gojyo and Hakkai had nothing to do with him, so he should just shut the fuck up about it. Hakkai's attitude towards Sanzo had been a bit chilly at first, but the familiar environment of the open road and the rote actions of navigating along winding trails had gradually brought him back to himself.

They peaked the mountain and began their descent, the sun lurching up at their backs to make its late-morning presence known. Hakkai was humming quietly to himself, apparently content to enjoy the day, so Sanzo waited for a lull in the breeze and lit a cigarette, staring out at the road ahead.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Hakkai steal a glance at him, but he ignored it, hoping he wouldn't speak. He was in no mood for idle chatter, and anything significant Hakkai had to say would probably have to do with them, and he'd done quite enough talking on that subject, thank you. Enough for a lifetime.

But Hakkai would have to be contrary, and after a hesitant pause, he said, "I've got to ask you something."

Sanzo kept his eyes on the road. "Will it piss me off?"

"Almost certainly."

"So it's your last day on earth. You should have taken my advice and gotten laid last night." Hand slipping inside his sleeve, he cocked his revolver.  
Hakkai's creepily pleasant smile was unwavering. "I'm exactly as willing to drive us all off this cliff as you are to shoot me."

What a fucking psycho. Sanzo sighed, and relinquished his grip on the gun. "Go ahead."  
With a look of genuine curiosity, Hakkai asked, "What did the clerk say to the holy man who wanted to buy lube?"  
Sanzo snorted. This wasn't the question he had expected. Nevertheless, he hid his relief at not having to discuss anything serious behind a glare. Finally, he answered, "Nothing."

Hakkai looked disappointed. "Nothing? Really?"

"Nothing."

"Well, that's anticlimactic."

In a rare moment of indulgence, Sanzo allowed himself a low chuckle. "That's because it never happened."

"What?" Hakkai was puzzled, a rare treat.

Sanzo relished his confusion, drawing out the reveal. "I made Goku do it."

Horrified, Hakkai stared at Sanzo, taking his eyes from the road and almost driving them straight off the cliff. Once he had righted their course, he responded in tones laden with reprimand. "You sent Goku into a store to buy lube for you?"

"It was for you, shithead."

Hakkai seemed uncertain, speaking in a whisper despite the fact that anything he said would never reach the occupants of the back seat, taken up as they were in their usual inane squabbling. "But still… wasn't he embarrassed?"

Smirking at his own cleverness, Sanzo issued a mild shrug. "Nope. I told him it was a gourmet ice cream topping. That's how you wound up with that cherry-flavored shit."

"Ah." The weight of that syllable was fraught with disapproval, but Sanzo didn't give a shit. He'd accomplished his aim, and that's all he cared about. Hakkai's judgmental bull could take a flying leap out of an open window for all he cared.

As they fell into silence, the ruckus in the back seat resolved itself from infuriating white noise into distinct words.

"Fluids! Fluids!" Gojyo was shouting.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Goku's pathetic wailing made Sanzo's eye tic. He could picture him perfectly, hands over his ears as he shook his head in protest, but he couldn't be bothered to turn around.

Further chaos ensued until Gojyo's voice arose in clarion fury. "Hey! What are you doing with that? Give!"

The sounds of a violent scuffle drifted forward, but Hakkai drove on impassively, ignoring the din. How the hell did he tune them out?

Soon the conflict died down, with Gojyo the apparent victor as he chided, "Don't take things that don't belong to you." Then a pause, a horrified gasp, and, "It's empty! You fucking imbecile, gluttonous monkey! What the hell did you do?"

Hakkai hit the brakes, and the jeep ground to a lurching halt. Slowly, they both turned around to stare at the occupants of the back seat, Gojyo gripping the empty bottle of lubrication with white knuckles and an appalled look on his face, Goku holding his stomach with an agonized expression.

"Saaaanzooo?" he mewled. "I don't feel so good."

End.


End file.
